Building Mutual Trust With Your Teen While Respecting Privacy Can be Challenging
Understanding Teen Mental Health and Communication
Up until about a year ago, most nights I’d sit at the edge of my teenager daughter’s bed and talk with her before she went to sleep.
In those precious moments, we would share what our rose, bud and thorn for the day was. She would share about the latest happenings at school and even ask me about my day and listen.
Now those pre-slumber conversations are mostly replaced by her phone conversations with friends behind a locked door.
As her privacy and friendships have grown more central in her life, finding time and ways to maintain our relationship and quality of open communication has grown more challenging – yet not impossible.
Essential Strategies for Parent-Teen Communication
No longer children, yet not quite fully adult, this in-between stage of adolescence can be marked by tension, head spinning emotions and a push/pull dynamic between parents and teens making communication tough and painful at times. While limits and boundaries may be pushed and broken, employing a shift in mindset and practicing flexibility can help parents be that safe and supportive foundation that teens need most.
- Remember Every Phase is Temporary and Teen Years Can Be Wrought – Nothing is forever and with our kids. As they grow and change, each phase, even each day can bring about something new for them and for us to meet and learn about. As parents it’s ok to mourn what used to be, as long as we maintain our openness to what is and what the current situation and phase requires of us as they change.
- Respecting Privacy and Boundaries is Important– The teen years bring about so many physical, social and emotional changes. More specifically it’s about forming an identity, sense of self-competence and self-trust while asserting independence and freedom. Respecting the boundaries our teens express is important in validating their sense of self. Let them know that it’s okay and you support their need to have personal space and that you’re there when they want to discuss anything.
- Practice Patience and Respect: Letting our teens know we’re available to talk is not the same as pressuring them to talk. Resist pressuring your teen to sit and talk – it won’t work. Consider dropping little hints that you are interested in what’s going on for your teen and you are free and available for whenever they feel ready to share. Sometimes, just knowing you’re there can encourage them to open up when they’re ready.
- Listen Without Judgement – The teen years are an insecure time. If an attempt by your teen to share anything with you is met with any form of judgment, that is a surefire way to reduce the chance they will endeavor to share with you again. Try your best to receive whatever you may share with you with wonder and interest and NO judgment.
- Take Every Chance They Open Up as An Opportunity – Sometimes when your teen chooses to share something with you, it is not an ideal time for you. Do the best you can to meet them in those moments, even briefly showing enthusiastic interest in whatever they are sharing and then calmly explain how you may be in the middle of a tight deadline for work but you want to know more and when you will be finished and set a time to reconnect.
- Be Mindful of the Right Time and Place – I look for opportunities when my teen is more relaxed, such as during a casual activity like cooking or watching a movie together or driving in the car together. A comfortable and non-confrontational setting can help support the unfolding of a casual conversation.
- Practice Patience and Respect – Let them know you’re available to talk but don’t pressure them. Sometimes, just knowing you’re there can encourage them to open up when they’re ready.
- Corral Attitude, Don’t React to It – Teens can have major hormonal changes that can lead to heightened reactivity and snappy, curt talk or a sharp tongue. Try your best not to take the bait and reflexively bite back with that common line of “You’re being disrespectful”. Even if they are, instead, try to offer your teen a chance to self-reflect and build self-awareness by taking a deep breath to calm yourself first and then say calmly something like. “Is there another way you can say that to me that doesn’t sound or feel so sharp and mean.” When these moments happen with my daughter, if I bite back, we argue, if I respond neutrally with an invitation for a do-over, it lands so much better and we all feel calmer and nicer.
- Use Open-Ended Questions – Instead of yes or no questions, ask open-ended ones that encourage elaboration. For example, “How are you feeling about school lately?” or “what do you like most about this singer/song?”
- Listen Actively – When they do share, listen without interrupting. Show empathy and understanding, and validate their feelings without jumping to solutions or judgments.
- Share Your Own Experiences – Sometimes, sharing your own feelings or experiences can help your teens feel less alone and more inclined to share their own thoughts. Understanding that your privacy is important too, disclosing a little about what you may have experienced in your teen years, can help normalize your teen’s feelings and experiences.
- Limit Distractions – Ensure that distractions, such as phones or TV, are minimal during your conversations. Focused attention can help them feel more valued.
- Engage in Activities Together – Sometimes, doing something together—like cooking, playing a game, filming a tik-tok, or engaging in a hobby—can create a natural environment for conversation to flow.
- Establish Safety- We all make mistakes as we grow up, that is how we learn. Your teen will most likely make some mistakes. It is important for a teen to know that they have a safe place and person they can turn to in such moments. Fear of “getting punished” or fearing a parent’s potential “angry” response may prevent a teen from turning to their parents for help when they need it most. Remind your teen how much their safety and health is important to you and that you are there for them and will always be there for them in their times of need.
When to Seek Family Counseling Support
If communication remains a struggle and you’re concerned about your teen and any and all efforts to connect seem to fail, consider reaching out to a counselor or therapist who can provide additional support and strategies. Explain to your teen your concern and your hope is to have a healthier relationship and so you are seeking the support of a professional who can offer a neutral space in which to connect.
Remember that open communication cannot be forced and building trust takes time. Your consistent presence and willingness to listen calmly, openly, with interest and no judgment can go a lot further in strengthening your relationship with your teen and encouraging them to come to you with whatever may be on their mind. your teen to open up.
Are you struggling to connect with your teenager? You’re not alone. At Bhava Therapy Group, we specialize in teen mental health and family counseling, providing compassionate support for both parents and teens. Our experienced therapists can help you rebuild communication and strengthen your relationship with your teen. Get started today.
